Mother’s Day

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and to say it is one of my least favorite days is a major understatement, and also what fueled the thoughts for my previous post.

The relationship I have with my own mom is tumultuous at best. She is a very difficult person. She is one that I wish I had the courage to say “F your feelings. You destroyed me.” But instead, I just try to keep minimum contact, the amount necessary to still be an “ok” daughter and spare her feelings. Mother’s Day is an obligatory visit (except I am sick this year.) And an obligatory gift that she will hate anyway, because she is impossible to please with gifts.

My relationship with my own children is also complicated, especially with my oldest children. There was a lot of abuse in the home, that I failed to protect them from. There is a lot of resentment, some of it deserved and earned. I have been clear about my own failings with them, the changes I am continuously making, and that I would love to mend those relationships through effort and love. It is hard though. I understand that. And there are other complicating factors in in with their other parent and other relationships in their lives.

But with these two things, being a daughter failure and a mother failure. Mother’s Day is a less than welcome day. I feel obligated to spend time with a person, I want nothing to do with. And to be shunned by the people I want everything to do with.