Decluttering

For Yule this year, I decluttered. I put thought into this “Do I want to declutter for Yule?” It was exactly what I wanted to do. I had 2 weeks to get through my house. I didn’t think this was a realistic goal. That was ok. Some decluttering was better than no decluttering. It took 2 days to do the main living area (kitchen and living area). Zoe and Lily came over the next day to work on their bedrooms. We got the 3 bedrooms and both bathrooms done that day. The only thing left, is the utility closet. It can happen over time. I feel like I accomplished the goal.

To declutter I downloaded the book: How to Clean House when Your Drowning and the Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. I also watched declutter YouTube videos. I actually watched “cleaning hoarder house” type videos on YouTube. My doing these things, I felt like I wasn’t alone in my work. And had something else to entertain my ADHD brain while I was working.

Reason number one to declutter was to make my home as warm and inviting to my children as I could. The other reasons were the normal reasons to declutter. Declutter, simplify, enjoy my space etc.

I didn’t expect the emotions and memories that came. After the declutter was complete I felt accomplished. I sat in the living room to just enjoy the space. But I didn’t expect to feel empty. I felt so empty. I am still dealing with the feeling of empty. I am not sentimental or attached to my things. It is easy to get rid of things. I don’t miss “my” things. But the space is empty and I am lonely anyway. It amplified this in a way I didn’t expect. I still plan on keeping the minimalist feeling. I like it. It is welcoming and warm.

I didn’t expect the triggering intrusive memories and emotions. As a child I was a good kid, “Except cleaning your room.” My value as a child was based on my lack of cleaning my room and my size. After I got married, I was a failure as a human, a wife, and a mother (according to both my parents and my then husband) because my house wasn’t clean and tidy. My children learned this about me. They didn’t want to be with me because my house was cluttered. It made me a bad human. I heard this message over and over for years and years. I heard this message of worthlessness as a human, partner, daughter, and parent from first, my parents. Later my then husband. He indoctrinated that message into my children. So, I then heard this repeated to me again by my children.

I’ve since been in the homes of some of these people. My house is by far not the most cluttered or dirty of the people throwing these judgements at me. So, evidently this standard only applies to me. Those making judgements and accusations don’t hold themselves to the same standard.

It was both validating and devastating to realize THIS was the tool my ex is using to alienate my children from me. Especially when his is one of the homes that is exactly the accusations he is making of me. I hear the language he says repeated by my children.

Other intrusive memories included the level of emotional abuse directed at me by parents and ex spouse over a clean and tidy home. They included memories of me trying to declutter only to fail over and over and be yelled at and humiliated by my then husband. I did it wrong. I didn’t do it good enough. It was in one of these tirades, I first though of self harm. The memories include my ex decluttering MY things and the kids things without permission but hanging onto the weirdest things and all of his things. We had a jar of toothbrushes that he would wash and re wash instead of throwing them away (gross). We had the money to replace toothbrushes! The clutter and chaos I lived in for years. He brought things into the home. It was my job to keep things clean while he collected clutter and spent money.

I left the clutter behind when I left the marriage. But slowly accumulated some over the years. I started thrifting and I think that got my house really out of control again. Thanks to the pandemic, thrifting is something I no longer do. And I’m back on top of my house. It has taken years and stages.

Though the house is clean and tidy and decluttered, I am now picking up emotions of past trauma triggered by the declutter. The feelings of failure and worthlessness are taking forefront. Evidence doesn’t support I am a worthless failure.

Happy Yule!